On May 4th, I had two cardiac appointments in Spokane.
I was dreading these appointments even more than I normally do.
I received a notification in March that my heart had an episode that was concerning.
My pacemaker doctor wanted me to have a MRI.
I was afraid because the pacemaker I have is not MRI compatible. My pacemaker would need to be reprogrammed before and after the MRI. I would also need to have an IV which terrified me.
The MRI would detect if I have scarring around my heart, if I am at high risk and in need of a defibrillator.
I was dreading my appointments because I did not want to think about or discuss either of these options.
I knew before the appointment that I did not want the MRI or a defibrillator.
The defibrillator is much bigger than the pacemaker I already have.
The pacemaker I have is already too bulky for my body size.
I asked my doctor, "What does it feel like when the defibrillator goes off?"
The answer was honest.
"The defibrillator would feel like a horse kicked you in the chest."
I was fighting back tears.
I told him, "I do not want a defibrillator."
He strongly suggested that I still have the MRI.
My doctor confirmed that the MRI would include an IV.
I already knew the answer to the question I was asking.
Then the tears just streamed down my face as reality sunk through my heart.
The emotions of fear, sorrow and hopelessness came over me.
I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't want this reality check.
The reality of feeling broken.
A dark heavy cloud followed me out of the doctor office and into the other.
I was having PTSD.
I didn't want to experience any more trauma.
I was done.
Tired of suffering.
I pictured myself dying in a hospital bed.
Part of me wanted to die and to not suffer.
I hated being me.
Why me?
Falling down the spiral staircase of depression and despair.
"What bad thing is going to happen to me next?"
At my second appointment I was asked, "How are you?"
I answered, "I am done."
If I know I do not want a defibrillator there is no need for an MRI.
The defibrillator may or may not even help me.
I was affirmed that this is my decision.
I will follow up with an echocardiogram which will give my doctor all the information he needs.
He was not concerned but again, affirmed me in my decision.
However, on the car ride home, I ugly cried. The reality of that day was too much.
The pain and the brokenness weighed heavily on my heart.
It was not an easy decision.
Today, June 28th, would have been the day for the MRI.
My prayer is for peace in my heart.
I received this beautiful talk from my dear friend, Sr. Maria Kateri.
The words spoke to my heart and I hope they speak to yours.
June 4, 2022, Feminine Genius Brunch at St. Augustine’s Seminary
"I am trying too hard in everything: too hard for holiness, in prayer, in relationships, etc. And I experienced the Lord inviting me to let Him in, to let Him do the "heavy lifting" if you will, to let His grace and love be enough. We have the tendency to think, sincerely, that we are called to figure life out and then to fix whatever is wrong with it. That, my dear sisters in the Lord, is not God’s plan for our lives. Fundamentally, it is not up to us to save ourselves or others. God alone can save. We can cooperate with God’s grace, but God alone saves. May this truth sink deep into our hearts."
Jesus told this to St. Faustina. He said, “…why do you not tell Me about everything that concerns you, even the smallest details? Tell Me about everything, and know that this will give Me great joy. She answered, "But You know about everything, Lord." And Jesus replied Yes, I do know; but you should not excuse yourself with the fact that I know, but with childlike simplicity talk to Me about everything, for My ears and heart are inclined towards you, and your words are dear to Me.” (921, Diary of St. Faustina)
"After we have told Him what is happening with us or with others, we can ask: “Lord, what do You think about all of this?” And, “What do You want to say about all of this?” and finally “What do You want to do, Jesus?” This last question is bold and it surprised me the first time I heard it from Msgr. Gregory. We did not ask, “Lord what do you want me to do?” but “What do You want to do,Jesus?” Why? Because salvation is all about cooperation with what He is doing. This leads to surrender to His loving Providence, as we place all in His hands, entrusting ourselves entirely to Him.”
"To be God-reliant: the results are truly amazing! I, and others I know, have experienced feeling lighter, peace returning to our hearts, deeper trust that God is taking care of us (and our situations) in a way far better than we could do on our own or even imagine. He’s got it and so all will be well. God provides in ways beyond my imagination. It makes all the difference to give our lives and the people in our lives and the situations that are weighing upon us over to God, relying on Him to take care of everything – and He does. All He asks is that we surrender to Him."
Sr. Maria Kateri, Sister of Life
And I just realized that I finished my Sacred Heart Novena today...
O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!
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